The Hard Truth About Social Media: Part 6-Pursuing a Healthy Relationship With Social Media

All of us participate in relationships for a reason. Maybe we are obligated, or we receive something from them. Maybe we feel we need something and are dependent on that person to fulfill our need. Maybe that relationship fills us up in ways we could never imagine or maybe the relationship is sucking the life from us. Whatever relationships we keep, there are reasons behind why we stay in them. These reasons can be well intentioned or maladjusted at their root.  Irregardless, all relationships come with expectations. What do we expect to give and what do we expect to receive?

Most people would like to say that their relationships do not operate this way, because it sounds selfish. But when you think about it, some of our deepest wounds from relationships are made when the unexpected happens.  For example when your partner of 20 years cheats on you. Or when a friend simply stops putting effort into the relationship because they are in a different stage of life than you. When your loved one gets a terminal cancer diagnosis and does not have the capacity to be present for you the way they used to be. When you give and give and give, and nothing is ever enough. Relationships are messy, and hard, but they have the capacity to bring us so much joy.

Many of us already have in our mind what a “healthy” relationship looks and feels like. Maybe your idea of a “healthy” relationship has been honed by romantic comedies, your family of origin, your own experiences, your needs, and/or your expectations. No matter which has played a role in your impressions of a good relationship, our desire to be involved in good relationships where we feel loved, appreciated and cared for is strong. We want to be cherished because we were created with this innate desire. Unfortunately, what we feel we deserve can have a stronger pull than our desire to be loved well. There is no debating that our self worth is strongly connected to what we feel we deserve.

It is evident that our desires and self worth are being affected by social media. Social media is a relationship in and of itself, and our relationships have the ability to bring us up and pull us down very easily. Relationships are fluid and ever changing, so what social media may mean to you and how it affects you one day, might not be the same as the next. Since we have good and bad days in relationships, I thought we might try that theory out on social media.

Good Day: You laughed. You felt connected to those who are far from you. You learned something new. You were motivated. You were validated for something you shared.

Bad Day: You felt inadequate. You compared yourself. You felt jealous. You wanted more. You felt isolated. You felt shame.

Social media can make you feel connected, that’s what it was created for.  Take Facebook for instance. The mission statement for Facebook is “to give people the power to share and make the world more open and connected. People use Facebook to stay connected with friends and family, to discover what’s going on in the world, and to share and express what matters to them.” This is 100% true, Facebook and other social media sites like it have fulfilled their mission, but at a cost. We have begun to experience the loss of intimacy in relationships, only to gain false intimacy in social media relationships.

Not being seen and loved for who you are is isolation in its purest form. We have the inherent desire to be truly seen and heard, and yet we spend the majority of our time tailoring our second self for social media, rather than simply being ourselves. Real face to face relationships allow us to listen, communicate, negotiate and disclose our deeper feelings. Face to face interaction allows us to SHARE ourselves. We can read body language and facial expressions. We can hear tone and correct our intentions. We can comfort, celebrate and laugh with one another.  It is only when we have the opportunity to share who we are, that we can feel truly loved for who we are. Relationships; true, real, raw relationships are built on the messy stuff. They come at a high cost, but yield the greatest reward: intimacy.

Social media has allowed our relationships to turn into scripted ones. We no longer respond in real time. We have the option to edit pictures, think about responses, wait for validation, and ultimately tailor make our image. We have become a generation of fakers. It’s exhausting trying to validate your second self, especially when your original self is what truly needs to be validated. Social media does not create an environment for authentic living and authenticity is magnetic. We are drawn to those who understand us and are vulnerable enough to share their own imperfections. We need to feel known and we cannot hide behind our second self forever.

My challenge to you is to end your relationship with your second self and set new boundaries in your social media relationship. Strive to live more authentically so as not to allow your second self to over shadow your original self. There are not enough thumbs ups in the world that will make your original self feel accepted, when you are seeking validation for your second self. Your original self is worthy of love and acceptance. Live from this truth.

Thanks for stopping by! Jen