Back to School Anxiety and the Art of "Best, Worst, Likely”

Back to school anxiety is not a new concept. Every child has experienced it at some point. It is assumed that it goes away with age, but this is not the case. Even women who are returning to school to complete a degree or further their education experience school anxiety. The main reason for this is fear of the unknown. It might not surprise you to know that women have similar fears to teen girls when they go back to school. The difference is that women have a wide array of skills they have developed over a lifetime to cope with their fears. Women's fears may be rooted in success more than social standing, but social standing matters to teen girls and women no matter their age. 

Below are some examples of the questions your daughter is asking herself leading up to going back to school. Keep in mind all of these questions require her to WAIT and see what happens; which every teenage girl hates doing. She has to sit in her fear of the unknown with all of these thoughts swirling through her mind.

• Will I have classes with my friends?
• Will I have lunch with my friends?
• Will I make the band, drill team, golf team, volleyball team, football team, cheerleading squad, soccer team, debate team, the fall play, choir… you get the picture.
• What will my classes be like?
• Will my teachers like me?
• Will I make good grades this year?
• Will I have time to get everything done? (This is a bigger worry than ever before as teens are now involved in several extracurriculars instead of investing in just one. Remember, the more we do, the greater chance we have to fail… and your teenage girl absolutely knows this.)
• Will I have a date for homecoming this year?
• Will this finally be the year _____ asks me out? Will I have my first kiss? Will they be cute? Will other people think they’re cute?… we could add twenty more questions here and it would not be too many.  Teenage girls obsess over being wanted.
• Will people like my new haircut/clothes/backpack/locker set up?
• Will I meet my parent’s expectations?
• Will I be accepted/liked? (The most important question, to which all other questions fall short)

All teenage girls have these questions because they have the same insecurities and fears. The problem is, they keep these fears locked tightly away, because the assumption is, they are the only one asking the questions. Keeping their fears inside is unbelievably isolating which compounds the anxiety they are already feeling.

To help combat the anxiety a teen girl is feeling talk to her about her fears. As she talks to you, help her walk through what I call “Best, Worst and Likely” for each of her fears. Take the question, “will I have lunch with my friends?” for example.

(Her Fear) “I’m scared I won’t have lunch with anyone this year.”

(Step One:Validation) First validate her feeling by saying “That would really scare me too.” Teenage girls tend to think that you cannot relate to them at all. Sharing a personal story, or letting them know a time in your life when you felt this fear in the pit of your stomach will go a long way.

(Step Two:Best) Then ask her “Who would you really like to have lunch with?” Allow her to answer and try to create clarifying questions along the way.

(Step Three:Worst) Then ask her “What would you do if your fear came true and you weren't sure who to eat with?” Let her answer and be supportive, while helping her to stay rooted in TRUTH about her self worth.  Teenage girls have a tendency to be catastrophic thinkers and it is difficult to pull them away from this mindset, if you are not focused on understanding why the worst case scenario feels scary. Validating that fear and bringing it back around to the fact that she is who she is, and she is loved and wanted no matter who she eats with is so important.

(Step Four:Likely) Go with the facts. For instance, if there are 4 lunches for a class of 750, that means she has a high likelihood of having lunch with at least one other girl she knows. Maybe it won’t be her best friend, but it could be a good friend who might become a best friend if she has the opportunity to get to know her better.

You will notice by "The Questions" asked, that a teenage girl's self worth is rooted in what she can show you and ultimately whether she is accepted or in teenage speak “liked” for what she can show you. The best thing you can do for your teen girl as she is beginning her school year is start providing opportunities for her to talk about her dreams, fears, and inadequacies. ALWAYS celebrate her imperfections and be honest about your own, so she has solid proof that imperfections are normal and beautiful.

Walking through “Best, Worst and Likely” allows you the opportunity to reframe how your teen girl sees the situation. The goal is to help alleviate the fear that results from her tendency to follow the catastrophic thought process. Being a teenage girl is hard, and social media has only made their fears worse and the expectations they put on themselves unrealistic. If you have the opportunity to speak truth into the hearts of young teenage girls, try this technique out and get the conversation started. Have a great school year!

Thanks for stopping by! Jen