Reciprocal Relationships
Let’s chat about reciprocal relationships. It’s important to process relationships - past, present and the growth you want to see in yourself for future relationships. This choice to process could bring attention to changes you want to seek out in new relationships or shifts you want to see in current relationships. It’s important to know how you show up in relationships and what you expect from others. Here are a few questions to ask to start assessing this. What do I need to feel loved? What is my gifting in relationships and where do I struggle? How do I address conflict and am I comfortable being vulnerable? Is this relationship emotionally available for the way I am made, in other words, do they give you the space to be yourself? Does that person allow you space to grow? Is that person for you in the good times and the bad? Do they want good things for you? Do you want good things for them? Are they consistent? Do you respect them? Do they bring value to your life? Can you find grace in your heart for them and for yourself? Do you pursue, do you prioritize and can they do the same for you?
Something I know without a doubt about myself is that I am a giver. I care deeply about those I invest in and I like to feel that I belong with them. I am a pursuer. I ask how others are doing, I pray over them, I support them during trying times, I am consistent and I choose them. My shadow side to relationships is my “tap out” nature. Because I give so much, when others don’t show up the way I need them to for an extended period of time, I decide to be done without having that final hard conversation. This comes from fear of rejection or being too much. I also like to process things alone before I make them an issue, and many times that leaves space for false narratives to develop on my side and theirs. Not sharing what we need from others and what hurts leaves a gap for false narratives to grow bigger than the truth of the relationship, usually amounting to misunderstandings and judgement for both parties. I provide this vulnerable assessment of self because I think these are the awarenesses you can come to as well if you are open to doing your own assessment. The more you understand about yourself, the better your relationships will be.
Relationships can end for lots of reasons:
*Organically
*Less in common
*Not enough time
*Different activities
*Boys (worst)
*Distance
*Not being pursued
*Not desiring to pursue anymore myself
*Life circumstances changing
*Different growth rates, patterns, or values
*Judgement (by you or by them)
*Shame (you hiding or them hiding)
*Not enough grace (grace for them or grace for you)
*Lack of emotional safety (you hurt them with your anger or they hurt you with their indifference)
*Poor boundaries
*Value no longer gained (this doesn’t mean the other person doesn’t have value, but what they have to offer is not healthy for where you might have been or currently are)
My least favorite and the most common reason for friendships ending in adult life is that people simply stop pursuing one another. One or the other sees less space to be themselves in the relationship and they decide based on their emotional availabilities, it is not worth the effort to keep pushing and trying. I have had others make this decision without my knowing and I have made this decision myself without telling. Naturally allowing the relationship to fall away can lead to missing that final conversation and acknowledgement of what you had with this person. You also miss a greater understanding of one another. While this might be okay for some, it can leave others with a lot of false narratives, questions and a lack of belonging. It can lead to the questioning of our own value and worthiness, and can keep us wondering the ever pervasive question, why? That “why" can keep us from entering back in to create new relationships. This ultimately leads to loneliness, which is a pandemic all its own.
Community is so important. Now more than ever, and yet we struggle to find and maintain deep connection. We are the most isolated we have ever been and it shows in our culture. The more isolated we are, the less connected we are to our fellow man, and the less availability we make in our hearts for their stories, their struggles and their journeys. Compassion is the key to deep relationships. It’s a desire to understand where someone is coming from and be brave enough to share where you are coming from. To believe that each of us is just trying to do our best and that we are going to mess up. We are not going to reach a point where we have arrived and we do everything perfectly. Be honest with others about what hurts so they can make changes (I’m talking to myself here too, ladies). Hold space without reactivity when someone is vulnerable with you (Still talking to myself). Know that it is an opportunity to grow closer to one another — to truly be seen. I will be in touch soon to discuss new ways to develop and nurture your community.