Developing Deep Community
If you had a chance to catch my last blog “Reciprocal Relationships”, you know what I believe about reciprocal relationships and the importance of community. Now let’s talk about some practical steps to expand and nurture your relationships. Here are a few ways to challenge yourself to enter back into community in new and different ways:
Make a social budget
Plan out time on your calendar to spend each week with new friends you want to invest in and old friends you want to catch up with. Mark out the time so that you can plan around it appropriately and have the emotional bandwidth to spend some extroverted time.
Be creative
Even though the pandemic has made spending time with one another even harder, there are opportunities to be creative in how you engage with one another; socially distant picnic, book club, paint by numbers night, movie and chat session, bible study group (all of this can be done over zoom).
Invest your time
Friendships cannot grow and deepen without time. Many of us want the relationship to jump to the place of ease we have in old relationships, but every relationship needs to be tended for it to reach that level, and it can only reach that level if you set aside the time. I like to have a chat session every Wednesday night with a different friend. Ask yourself what you are available for, and make it happen!
Do activities or something new together
So many of us had the opportunity to develop our high school and college friendships around activities (sports, dance, sororities, church). In adult life a lot of our interactions come with work or parenting. The ease that comes with both being invested in the same activity can allow the friendship to grow and deepen organically without pressure. With that said, the options for this outlet in our adult life are minimal. So think about activities that you have interest in, that might allow you to meet new people.
Pursue your friends
If you think of your friend, just reach out. I can’t tell you the number of times I have texted a friend and the first thing they say is, “I’ve been thinking about you too”. Some people just aren’t as comfortable pursuing, but are always available to chat. Be brave and pursue each other. We ALL need friends.
Reach out to past friends that you miss
If there is someone you have been out of touch with, but you feel held value in your life, reach out and let them know. I want to point out that it is important that this relationship is emotionally safe and this does not include exes.
Express gratitude
If your friend does something that brings positivity to your life, let them know. Expressing gratitude is a beautiful act that brings us closer together and allows our friend to understand us even better.
Share part of your story
Be brave and share something deep about your life. A struggle, a victory or a hard season. I have found that if you use the ”Marble Jar Sharing” practice that Brene’ Brown discusses, it can be really helpful in leading you to deep discussion. She recommends sharing one small marble at a time. If that person handles your marble with care, you show bravery and trust them with the next one. So on and so forth until you are sharing deep things with someone who has proven that they can hold emotional space for you.
Remember your inner child and theirs
All of us has a little kid inside that we are responsible for. Sometimes that kid gets hurt and lashes out. Sometimes that kid pulls away out of fear. That kid also experiences our deepest joy and connection. Remember that we all just want to be loved and accepted. If our inner child isn’t okay, advocate for that part of you with calm and clear words so that you and your friend can move forward with a deeper understanding of who you are and what you need.
Since the pandemic started, I have reconnected with an old high school friend and an old college friend. I have made time to mentor, and to be present with my current group of friends. It’s not always easy after a long day of work and parenting to prioritize community, but it’s important to our health. So just do it. You won’t regret it!