How to Build Your Own Fence-The Do’s and Don’ts of Setting Boundaries

Setting your own boundary, or for our purposes, building your own fence is not easy, in fact it’s quite hard. Not only does it take clarity of mind, personal strength, discipline and support, but it also generally comes with some pain and discomfort. There is nothing that messes with our clarity, strength and discipline more than pain and discomfort. Once we have decided that something, or someone is unhealthy for us, our heart and mind ache at the thought of building a new fence and cutting ourselves off from something that used to bring us joy.  The issue is, once that fence is built, many times you will be tempted to open the gate to alleviate the temporary pain and discomfort you are feeling. Does this sound familiar?

Maybe he has changed. He seems different. He keeps sending me emails that make it sound like he has done so much work on himself. He promises never to hurt me again. Maybe we can just meet for coffee and see how it goes. I’m so lonely.

Maybe she has changed. I know she only calls me to hangout when she has no one else to call. She uses me often and makes everything about her. After spending time with her, I feel emptier than before. Maybe she’ll let me talk about myself at dinner tonight, just this once. I don’t have anyone else.

The “maybe he or she will change eventually” is basically like taking the lock off your gate, opening it just a crack and and saying “we can talk like this, but no further”. You feel as if you’re protected, but really you’re not.   When you open the gate, you can’t just crack it, it will be flung wide open. When someone who manipulates you sees the crack, look out because they can push right through the fence and into your yard.

Relationships with others and with yourself are built off of safety and trust. I’m not saying to never give people second chances, or even that people are not capable of change. What I am saying is that someone else’s thoughts and actions should not change the way you take care of yourself. Part of taking care of yourself is setting good boundaries, despite how they make other people feel and behave after you have set them. Those who love you will have respect for healthy boundaries, and many times will be the ones who support you as you build that fence.

So let’s talk about the Do(s) and Don’t(s) of setting boundaries.

Do:

1.Do know your support system and ask them to help you build your fence.

2.Do ask your support system to hold you accountable.

3.Do add positive things in your life that can fill the void setting a new boundary will leave.

4.Do set new goals that you want to accomplish while you heal.

5.Do allow new people in your gate that can bring positivity to your life.

6.Do believe in your worthiness of love and belonging, enough to set good boundaries.

Do Not:

1.Do not try to fill the void your boundary has left with a different version of that person or thing. For example, one man for another man or pot for alcohol.

2.Do not build your fence in isolation. 

3.Do not fill your void with a substance.

4.Do not remain friends with someone on Facebook. That’s like saying “I only took one sip” as an alcoholic. You are only prolonging your grief and the healing process by exposing yourself to someone who is unhealthy for you.

5.Do not crack the gate.

6.Do not give up. Giving up now will lead to the same result and in the process you will likely give up parts of yourself and discard your own needs, wants and desires simply to have someone present with you. Pick new people to be present with you.

Remember always, you are capable of setting boundaries, but more importantly you are deserving of the safety and care they provide. Setting a boundary is scary because we are not heartless, thoughtless people. Our heart, happiness, and livelihood are involved at every turn, when we are in relationship with others, and we worry constantly about the outcome.

What will he say? What will she think? Will I get fired? Will I be alone? Will anyone else ever want me?

PEOPLE ARE MESSY and we cannot control others. Letting our own needs go by the wayside in hopes that we can change others is damaging. We cannot avoid the difficulties of this life, and we were never meant to. However, we can take ownership over our own hearts, minds and bodies by building our fences together; slat by slat, brick by brick. When you set new boundaries and stick to them, people will have no other option but to treat you the way you deserve and desire to be treated…or they can stay outside your gate. That’s their choice, and theirs alone. There is no amount of worry that can change how they react. So I guess the question I will leave you with is, what fence do you need to build today?

Thanks for stopping by, Jen